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Devoted sex journalist that I am, when I heard that , offering an afternoon of seminars for both beginners and masters of the Sugar lifestyle, I eagerly accepted the invitation to attend. Who would pass up on a day of that followed by an evening of people-watching at an awkward dating mixer? But more on that later. The Sugar Baby Summit seminars included important SB how-tos like style and beauty tips, Internet safety, and a funds management session hosted by I kid you not a former Romney-Ryan campaign staffer. Those were followed by a masquerade-themed mixer, where SBs could practice their newly honed skills on a club full of SDs and oh was that whole soirée delightful. The Sugar Baby Lifestyle gets a lot of flack for being anti-feminist, patriarchal, or simply glorified sex work. But I — and a lot of sex-positive feminists like me — believe that A there's nothing wrong with sex work, B there are totally ways to live a feminist SB lifestyle, and C there are ways to live an SB lifestyle that have nothing to do with being a sex worker whatsoever. Sugaring can absolutely be a feminist act when performed by women who own their sexuality and are up-front about their needs and expectations. But a PR expert on one of the panels offered a useful reframing to anyone who feared that they might be contradicting their feminism by choosing the Sugar lifestyle. Men do the same thing, but they get more opportunity because of their privilege. Sugar Baby mentality is the same as alpha male mentality — you have ambition, you're dreaming for more. What is anti-feminist, however, is how the Summit undermined its attempt to empower women by encouraging dishonesty and manipulation dressed up as ~flirtatious teasing~ and coquettishness. Of course, these tactics have their place in any power dynamic. But only once you've explicitly discussed your needs, desires, and expectations, and established boundaries and consent. But there's nothing R-rated about frank communication and consent. Or there shouldn't be. Take, for example, the demographics of the Sugar Baby Summit: it was overwhelmingly populated by female SBs seeking male Sugar Daddies. One of the site reps chalked this up, in part, to some gender-biased language in the first email blast sent out about the event, which was later changed to be more inclusive. So, ultimately, a few male SBs did show up. I mean, only 10 percent of the population is gay, so only about five percent of our site is gay... We are talking about doing some smaller LGBT mixers like in San Francisco or New York, where the communities are a bit bigger. But we like to garner a lot of media interest, and unfortunately only gay outlets are usually interested in gay events. We want to get as many people on the site as possible, and the fact is, everyone reads New York Daily News. There are a lot of male Sugar Babies. But there are not very many Sugar Mommies. I appreciate that SeekingArrangement. And saying that there's no market for LGBT events is patently false — the queer community has proven time and again that if you create accessible queer spaces, queers will come operative word: accessible. The summit revealed its latent anti-feminism again later with the sex-positivity or negativity, as it were issue of disclosing your kink identity on the site. And several site reps admitted that these folks exist on the site. The CEO, Brandon Wade, even implied that it was easy, if you were a BDSM-oriented Sugar Baby, to search profiles and find Daddies who were too. However, I received contradictory remarks about how kosher disclosing your interest in financial, sexual, or psychological BDSM is on the site. But all of this was precisely my point — It seems difficult to navigate achieving honest communication about what people are looking for without setting off the NSFW alarms that would get users booted. A different site representative backpedaled these views and said that it was perfectly fine to disclose your kink identity should you have one , just that you couldn't solicit explicit acts or an explicit dynamic for money. So there are a bunch of frustrating policies to wade through on SeekingArrangement. Makeup is mandatory on dates You're more likely to get cash out of your Sugar Daddy if you ask for money to help with specific costs: car payment, cell phone bill, student loan payments, etc. How to deal with possessive Sugar Daddies Sugaring is like any other form of freelance work — multiple streams of income is key. So what happens if you wind up with a possessive SD who doesn't want you seeing other guys? How to find a Sugar Daddy in the wild So you want to go offline. How to snag a Sugar Daddy in the wild So you obviously have a moneyed human in your clutches while flirting in the field. How do you broach the subject of Sugaring? Safety tips while traveling A Sugar Daddy might be long-distance and ask you to travel to see him. Or, he might travel a lot himself and ask you to come with. Here are some safety tips to bear in mind when traveling for Sugar: A. Share your Google Maps location with a friend. Basically, GPS chip yourself at all times. Always have a round trip ticket. You don't want to get stranded if things go south. Make sure a hotel room is in your name, or that you have your own key. It gives you back some power when you're traveling on his dime. Securing a married Sugar Daddy is basically hitting the jackpot Forty percent of SeekingArrangement users are married Sugar Daddies, most of whom are acting with permission from their wives. They're also usually more relaxed about you having multiple partners. Married Sugar Daddy etiquette Then, commodify your knowledge of your needs. Your needs are your power. Express them to get what you want, or withhold the information to draw out mystery. The best way to a man's wallet is through his heart. I'd say no sex for the first month. Hold a lot of mystery. A-type players are successful and on the site for a challenge. So it is possible to commodify your flirtation, companionship, and attention, if you don't necessarily want to sleep with a potential Daddy. Find sugar sisters A. Never introduce an SD to your kids, advises Vine star Danyelle Rose. Don't bring up that you have kids until date five. SDs who were raised by single mothers will allegedly have a lot more respect for you. Many Sugar Babies lead double lives, but Sugaring can kill your desire for regular relationships It's common for women to have regular boyfriends while they date Sugar Daddies, or while they have platonic Sugar Daddies. But Sugaring can ruin regular relationships, warns Brook. This is what's anti-feminist about Sugaring — pandering to anti-feminist Sugar Daddies. Lots of power-tripping dudes will get turned off by a woman wielding her power in explicit ways. That's why you talk about how you like power to change hands at the outset, when you're defining the terms of your dynamic. If you skip that step, you might end up with a Daddy who controls you not because you like it feminist , but because it's his default to treat women that way not feminist. And that guy doesn't deserve to be rewarded with an awesome, thoughtful, savvy Sugar Baby like you. But I also think that, like in all relationships, you have to practice complete honesty and openness with your partner or partners. This is especially true when the relationship has a transactional nature or a power dynamic built into it. And if your Sugar Daddy can't deal with that like a grown-up, then he isn't worth his salt.
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